In a series of shocking events, the Two Oceans Aquarium’s Weird, Wild and Wonderful sea-lections – running until Sunday, 17 July 2011 – have been rocked by in-fighting, allegations of vote rigging and rumours of surgical enhancement. The latest figures indicate that Puff Daddy, the evileye pufferfish, is leading the race as “wildest creature”, however it has emerged that he has been involved in suspect activities, including bullying of his competitors, the Green Goblin and Rocky.
Posers’ plastic surgery rumours
This breaking news reaches us amid rumours that the Posers, made up of sea fans (who are competing for votes in the “wonderful” category), have all undergone plastic surgery and that their good looks are the result of surgical enhancements.
These distressing claims were first made by the Cleaning Crew, also competing in the “most wonderful” category, who apparently know the ins and outs of all the creatures at the Aquarium. They are cleaner shrimp and have been known to dig up more than one nasty secret in their time.
“I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way,” the Posers representative hummed when confronted about the claims.
The longsnout pipefish had no comment at the time of going to press, other than saying: “It’s obvious who the winner should be: Me. But, as everyone knows, dads never get the credit.”
Explosive personalities clash
We have also received word that Puff Daddy has been actively intimidating his competitors. The Green Goblin, a poison dart frog, reported an incident where the evileye pufferfish’s so-called “explosive personality” took a dangerous turn when he blew himself up like a balloon and floated over to the Sappi River Meander, where he had some choice words for the Green Goblin.
“Everyone knows this guy is a bully. I can’t believe he’s winning this race. I am the wildest creature here, ‘cause I’m from the Amazon,” the frog said.
Rocky, the scorpionfish, has been implicated in colluding with Puff Daddy.
Weird newcomer in the lead
Meanwhile, “weirdest” contender, the Slimeball, said: “I’m a hagfish. It doesn’t get much weirder than this. Explain to me how this new guy with the stupid name is coming out in front of me in polls?”
The hagfish sent us this unsolicited comment after early vote-counting indicated that the sargassum fish, aka The Big Mouth, would take the title of Weirdest creature.
The rocksucker, aka Cliffhanger, said: “I’m on the edge of my tank.”
The sea-lections will be “free” and “fair”
Two Oceans Aquarium Assistant Marketing Manager Alichia Nortje said that she had been informed of the various sea-lection scandals, but emphasised that each vote counts and that, despite the internal scandals, the sea-lections would be “free” and “fair”.
“It is very disappointing that these creatures have gone beyond their exhibits to pick fights with each other,” she continued. “They should stick to their area of responsibility.”
Members of the concerned public are urged to make their mark at the Two Oceans Aquarium until Sunday, 17 July. The results of the “Weird, Wild and Wonderful” sea-lections will be released next week.
